Wandering In The Wilderness

Marti Leads The Way, photo by Glenda Clemens, 2015

Marti Leads The Way, photo by Glenda Clemens, 2015

“She is free in her wildness, she is a wanderess, a drop of free water.
She knows nothing of borders and cares nothing for rules or customs.
‘Time’ for her isn’t something to fight against.
Her life flows clean, with passion, like fresh water.”
― Roman Payne

I’ve always been a little jealous of those who seemed to know from birth, or at least by the time they had kicked off their diapers, just exactly what they were about in life. They seem to effortlessly move through the trials of learning to read and do their sums and jump right on the band wagon and with ease and grace. They accomplish elementary school, then middle school, then high school and degree upon degree until they become adults who thrive and contribute to society in obvious genius and success. That has never been me.  There have always been voices inside of me urging me to take the path that no one thinks I should take, to struggle to get to the next step in life, to not always know where I was going but go there I must.

“When you can maintain continual awareness of where you are
and hold onto the vision of where you want to go,
you transform your life from wandering to wonder.”
― Andrea Goegleinlein

I’m not at all sure how I feel about the above quote.  Maintaining continual awareness of where you are and what is your vision is a real struggle.  I do have visions of where I want to go but where I am now is often a mystery to me.  The joy is when I finally get where I’m going I’m delighted with the result and look back at the journey, all the wandering, as being exactly what I needed to do all along. But, Damn! Some days I feel like the children of Israel wandering in the wilderness, living on food found and water seeping from stones and wondering if tomorrow will actually arrive.

“If you lead me astray,
then my wanderings will bring me to my destination.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson

So I take little side trips to keep the suffering to a minimum and sometimes even pretend I have arrived at my destination.  I know better but sometimes I play the role of the person who has arrived so well, even I am fooled—but just for a small period of time because deep down I know I’m just taking a break.  These little side trips then become part of my wandering and wondering and like small treasures from a vacation I take the souvenirs, place them on the shelf or wall, dust them occasionally and dream of might-have-beens.  Then it is back to my wandering, seeking my own way out of the wilderness.

“Surely there were others like me,
born without an inkling of direction.
The wanderers, the amblers, the dabblers,
united by our purposeless mantra-
I have no idea what to do with my life.”
― Suzanne SelforsCoffeehouse Angel

And so, I wander, I amble, I dabble and keep moving forward doing what must be done, living what must be lived, creating purpose where there was none, and live my life. I know the way I go at things must be frustrating and confusing for my family and friends, but trust me I need to do it my way.  I need the pain, the agony, the fear.  It is carved in my bones and it is the only way I can complete the task of what we call life.  In the process, I’m beginning to get glimpses of what to do with my life and I’m beginning to do it.  Hang in there, with me, and it will all be fine in the end. I’m transforming into who I was meant to be, living the life I was meant to live.

I’m keeping on keeping on, wandering in the wilderness.

“Wander with intent
into a garden glorious.
Walk with double brisk
upon edenic paths.
Flee the cursing fear
that lights upon your eye.
Seize the twisted dream
that strangles earth and sky.”
― Craig FromanAn Owl on the Moon:
A Journal from the Edge of Darkness

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